Being a mom is much harder than I thought. My mom, who had six children, makes it look so easy. Maybe when I am a little bit older, I will change my mind, but for now, I am so one and done! What do I mean by that? Well, as of right now, my baby girl Selena will be my only child.
When I was younger, I never really thought I wanted to be a mom. I always thought if I became a mom, it would “ruin my body”. I was under the impression that becoming a mom meant getting stretch marks, gaining weight, and getting cellulite. I was also scared to have a baby because I knew it would be very painful. Of course I realize now that these are very dumb reasons for not wanting to have a baby, but back then I thought it was important to look a certain way.
Finding out I was pregnant last year was very shocking and upsetting at first. As time went on, I would feel my baby kicking and all her little movements and started picturing my life with her. When I found out that I was having a girl, I was super excited. The closer I got to my due date, the more excited and happy I got. I came up with a list of nearly twenty names and Selena was the name that won, although if it had been completely up to me, her name would’ve been Anastasia.
As much as I love my baby,being a mom is hard. I really thought I would have more support. My mom and sister help out as much as possible, but they work and have their own things to do. I wish I could just stay home with my baby and be a stay at home mom or at least work from home, but this isn’t possible. I had to go back to work when my baby was 3 months old and I hated it. I was always worried about the baby when I was working and I dreaded going to work because I just wanted to be with my baby all the time.
People don’t really talk about the postpartum period and the “fourth trimester” as much as they talk about pregnancy. I knew I shouldn’t expect to sleep much with a baby and was told I would never “get my body back”. However, no one warned me that it is mentally challenging as well. Postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety are two challenges that many mothers go through after giving birth. I used to think why would anyway be depressed after having a baby? It’s such a joyous and happy occasion! I didn’t realize that some mothers get postpartum depression for many reasons. I also didn’t realize I had it until I was about 3 months postpartum. Some of the symptoms that I have experienced while dealing with postpartum depression are: insomnia, over worrying about everything, constantly feeling like I am not a good enough mother and that Selena deserves a better mom,not eating enough, lack of interest in doing something I love (working out), getting angry way too quickly, and having trouble concentrating on most things. At 9 months postpartum, I feel like I am finally starting to feel like my normal self again, though occasionally I do still have some really bad days. I feel like I lost myself as a mother, but through running and writing, I have found myself again, as cheesy and corny as that sounds.
Regardless of all this, I love by baby girl Selena. I just don’t think I can put myself through this again. The last 6 months have been so difficult for me. I am struggling financially, sometimes emotionally, and even physically.
Here’s a great article I found on postpartum depression if you want to learn more about it.
90s California Runner Mom 